Light filters in to Taylor Swift's gorgeous New York apartment. She sits up in bed, stretches her arms and addresses Olivia Benson, who is curled up at her feet. Taylor can't hear Olivia Benson's thoughts.
T.S.: Wow. What a beautiful day! I'm feeling 22! What should I wear?
O.B.: Why must we repeat this charade day after day? And you're 24.
T.S.: I think my little red and black plaid skirt with the totally cute red tank top and black Mary Janes with knee socks. and a white cardigan would be perfect too! What a great idea, Olivia Benson. Where did you learn so much about fashion?
O.B.: I would never tell you to wear those granny stockings. Please just shut up and feed me.
T.S.: Here, take this delicious kitty tranquilizer, I mean treat.
O.B. : Fine. Let's just get this over with.
Taylor emerges on her front stoop, holding Olivia Benson on her arm. Taylor looks around in wonder.
T.S: Welcome to New York! The lights are so bright, but they never blind me.
O.B.: It's daytime, genius.
T.S. OH MY GOD!! Like, are all my ex-boyfriends stalking me or something? There's Jake right across the street!
O.B.: Please don't go talk to him.
T.S.: I am totally going to talk to him. He is so obvy not over me. He is going to be so jealous when he sees you with me.... HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Jake!! Did you see me on The American Music Awards? Wasn't I good? This is my cat Olivia Benson. She's a Scottish Fold. I am writing a song about her called "My Boyfriend is a Cat." What do you think about that?
Jake: You're writing a song called "My Boyfriend is a Cat, What Do You Think About That?"
T.S.: No! I asked you what you thought about my cat song. Don't you want to say hi to Olivia Benson?
Jake: Hi Olivia Benson. You are so cute.
O.B.: Hi Jake. You are so cute.
T.S.: What are you doing in my neighborhood, Jakey? Didn't I tell you like five million times that we are never ever ever getting back together?
Jake Yeah. OK. I have a new girlfriend, Slovenian supermodel Svetlanka. We are going to Paris tomorrow. She is so excited that she wanted to have baguettes for breakfast today. And she only likes the kind at the bakery around the corner from your apartment. I pleaded with her to try some other one, but she insisted. Believe me, I pleaded. A lot.
T.S.: PARIS?? How many times did I tell you I WANTED TO GO TO PARIS WITH YOU???
Jake Gyllenhaal runs off screaming
T.S.: You better run! Your'e a liar, and pathetic, and mean, and mean, and mean, and mean!!!
O.B.: I hate that song.
T.S.: Can you believe that Olivia Benson? Can you believe he's taking that skank to Paris? I totally think he made her up. Who's named Svetlanka anyway?
O.B.: I want to go to Paris with Jake Gyllenhaal.
T.S.: That was like super traumatic. I need to do somehing nice for myself. Let's go to Serendipity and share a frozen hot chocolate.
O.B.: Chocolate make me barf.
T.S.: I changed my mind. Let's go to a spa and have a girls' day!
O.B.: I'm a cat. I don't need to go to a spa.
T.S.: Yes you do. Your beautiful fur needs to be groomed and styled. And you have some gunk around your eyes. WAIT!! I just heard you! I heard your thoughts, Olivia Benson!
O.B.: Oh no. Now I have to be nice.
T.S.: What?
O.B.: Nothing. I really do want to get my ears fluffed and cleaned. Great idea, Taylor.
Taylor finds a spa and walks in
T.S.: Hi. Olivia Benson and I want the works. Manis, pedis, massage..
Spa front desk worker: You can't bring that cat in here.
T.S.: Yes I can. I'm Taylor Swift. And there's a dog in here. I see it!
Spa front desk worker: That's the official spa dog, Spotify. He's hypo-allergenic.
O.B.: Am I hypo-allergenic?
T.S.: SPOTIFY?? I HATE SPOTIFY! I hate this spa! I'm never coming here again!
O.B.: I want to go home and eat and use my litter box.
T.S.: Why didn't you just tell me Olivia Benson?
O.B.: Because I didn't think you would listen to me.
They leave the spa and Taylor becomes entranced with a shop window
T.S.: Wow, look. Pink kitty earmuffs for your flatty little earsies!! I am so getting you a pair Olivia Benson.
Olivia starts scratching herself
O.B.: I have fleas.
T.S.: Ew. Shake it off! Just shake it off.
A flea jumps on Taylor and she starts scratching herself
T.S.: Ick! Now I have fleas! YUCK!
O.B.: Time for a little revenge.